The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize