no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
