Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
