I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize