I met the friendliest cop last night
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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