There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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