My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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