I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
