I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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