Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Semen is not good for contacts.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize