I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
