My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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