Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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