Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Randomize
