I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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