I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
