haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Randomize
