You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
