I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize