The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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