i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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