I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
