what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
