Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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