i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
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