he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
