So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
