R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Randomize
