New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I AM VODKA MAN
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
