Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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