youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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