He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
