She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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