Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Randomize
