yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
