and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
