Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize