Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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