I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Randomize
