I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
