I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
