I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
