I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
