the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize