I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
