we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
