Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
