Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
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