so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
