Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
