i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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