My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
