if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
