Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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