Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
