we're chasing vodka with high fives
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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