I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I could fuck to npr.
Randomize
