Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
