I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Send help, water and tortillas.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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