I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
