Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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