that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize