i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
